The Nun “A delightful rom-com about a lady and her God” Review

The Nun, the precursor to the wildly successful horror franchise “The Conjuring” was advertised as “too scary for everyone”, and “this will chill your nips off with pure artic terror, better hide your kids!” And though the film seemed like an enjoyable dip into an already fetid, and stagnant pool of jump-scare ridden, cookie cutter cloned horror films of Hollywood these days; I still gave what little hope I had left in the horror genre to this film. Now don’t get me wrong, I have actually enjoyed the first two Conjuring films, and even flinched a few times at ham-fisted attempts at fright, because my passing interest was directed toward the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, the occult specialists that aid the families being tormented by malevolent entities whether they be spirits of the deceased, or demons from the pit of Hell!!! But in the Nun, we get hardly any of that, we instead get a story about a evil Nun that resides in a rickety convent in the middle of the Romanian wilderness. Now, that extravagant story and setting is drenched in ladles full of poor acting, bad story telling, awful CGI, and one thing that should be common sense with a film titled “The Nun”, hardly any worthwhile scenes of the goddamn NUN!

This flap-jack of a film is more like a zombie flick set in the 60’s, as the characters are attacked by corpses and their oh so melodramatic troubled past. A zombie nun, and a corpses of a boy the vomits up a snake, and then FINALLY the bad toothed, slow moving demon Nun. Mexican-American actor Demian Bichir plays Father Burke, who is highly lauded as the Vatican’s “go to” expert in the paranormal, titled the “Miracle Hunter”. Tagging along with him is the immortally youthful American actress Taissa Farmiga with her only real success is being a part of the FX mega-series “American Horror Story”. She plays Sister Irene, who is a nun, but not actually a nun per say because she hasn’t taken her vows or some shit. Dear god is her acting something I want to put my fist in, or through; either way I won’t enjoy it and neither should they. She over acts every scene as if she is on stage portraying a mime, and my dislike for the film are mostly directed to her, the lines she is forced to speak, and the facial expressions she makes.

To speed up this review I will say that Father Burke is a bumbling buffoon who is the actual damsel in distress for 90% of this film, and brings nothing to the table with the exception of giving the viewers the background of what the evil nun is (a demon called Valak that was summoned into the world by an evil bishop within the depths of the convent during the Dark Ages, but he couldn’t finish the hell-fire ritual due the a group of Knights Templar storm in to stop him, and use the Blood of JESUS CHRIST, a LITERALLY HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMN HAND GRENADE to seal the abyssal gate) what its abilities are, and how to stop it. Sister Irene has vision from the First Lady of Jesus’s crew, Mother Mary and that leads her to actually be the hero of this debacle.

The movie is awful, and I regret the $11 I spent on a ticket, and the $5 I spent on a bottle of water to sit through that waste of electricity.

Rating 4/10

PS. There is also another guy in the film that is the sex appeal, comic relief, bad-ass dude with a shot gun. He has a one liner that put me in stiches and caused me to laugh like an obese hyena, destroying the atmosphere of the theater for the rest of the viewers. “I’m French Canadian!!!”